It’s no secret that I have had some bipolar II issues lately.
I have been on 3 medications for a short time now and thought that I was doing pretty well. All seemed okay on the exterior. But as anyone with a mental illness knows, you can always fake a pretty exterior.
You can always make other people think that you are doing fine, that you are happy and that life is so good you may burst.
I went off of one of the medications (Dr approved) due to a few complications and found that my mental state wasn’t as sharp as it was before. I didn’t feel as stable, as secure, as much like me as I should. Plus there was also a large bomb that went off in our house. As any bipolar knows, keeping secrets to keep the peace or to keep the power is as normal as breathing.
I was keeping a doozy of a secret from Jeff.
The man who wants to marry me, the man who loves me, the man who I feel that I can tell anything to.
I couldn’t tell him about this.
My inner-bipolar brain told me to keep it from him. He would be angry. He would leave me. He wouldn’t understand. He’ll never find out.
But he found out.
I have what many bipolar people have…a spending addiction.
Many bipolars get addictions quite easily; sex, spending money, gambling, alcohol and drugs all top the charts.
I already know that alcohol makes my bipolar disorder get angry, punchy and allows me to make bad choices. This is why I stick to having a beer or two, I don’t like to lose control of myself.
I am not a drug user so I don’t have to worry about that.
And spending money. Boy can I spend some money. This isn’t even the first time that I have had an episode and spent this amount of money. It is actually the third time. Luckily for me, third time has been the charm. Getting caught in my lie was probably one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time.
Thousands and thousands of dollars later, I am reevaluating my financial future…what’s left of it. I am going to be digging myself out of a deep hole for the foreseeable future. All because of a phase of hypomania where I told myself that spending that amount of money was okay and was warranted. I told myself it was okay to get new things. All the time. That it is what everyone did. I told myself these things and didn’t even once think of the consequences. I told myself I didn’t have to. Everything would work out somehow.
Jeff and I went to the psychiatrist yesterday, talked through some issues of mine, got me on a new treatment plan. Lithium. I have never taken lithium before so this will be a new step in my treatment. I have never taken any kind of mood stabilizer. I didn’t know that my mood needed stabilizing. But after looking back on past actions I can tell that my mood has been unstable for around…um…forever.
Well, here I am.
Thousands of dollars in debt.
Standing next to the man I love, who is helping me fight my bipolar II by my side.
Even with some guaranteed rough times in our future, he is determined to help me through this.
Did I get lucky with Jeff or what?