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This Too Shall Pass

There are so many things running around in my head but I am having trouble putting any of them in print. I am having a really great bipolar episode and I am struggling to pull myself out of it.  I have called my psychiatrist and my psychologist to try and get in as soon as possible for some help, but the earliest I can get in is 3 weeks away.

Who knows what kind of damage I can do to myself and to the people who love me in 3 short weeks. I am having enough trouble living minute to minute these days, thinking about the weeks stresses me out and makes me want to lay down for a nap and never wake up. Honestly.  I have wished that for myself and for my family because it would make everyone around me so much happier. I feel like Godzilla running around the city destroying buildings…only the buildings are full of trust and secrets and things that people hold dear to them.  And I run around and hurt them all.

All I feel like doing is sleeping the days away so I don’t have to feel anything.  Which hasn’t been entirely hard lately because I just feel mentally numb in a few ways.  I get happy but never HAPPY!  I can always get sad, that has never been a problem, but I can’t pull myself out this time.  I feel like I am experiencing physical pain and discomfort with this sadness. Perhaps my arm has been sliced open or I have a large head wound that continues to bleed and no one around notices that the blood is everywhere.  It feels like my emotions are seeping out of me like that blood.  I am unable to feel anymore.  I am unable to keep in touch with reality.

Every time I spiral downwards like this I always get the same thought…tattoo.  And it is always the same tattoo that I think of when I am down.  It would be something to remind me that there are happier days ahead, the sun will rise again, I will be happy again.

And I will be happy again.  I will own my emotions.

Someday.

  • http://maintainingsaidawesomeness.blogspot.com/ Krista

    Hi, Amanda! I found your blog last night and I dig it. I hope that you can be “strong” and get yourself out of those feelings. Your words kinda touch me as I lost a cousin to bi-polar and depression almost two months ago. My best wishes for you are that you have great support from everyone close to you.

    I see that you’re running the Ohio-Michigan 8K tonight; I’ll also be running it! Run hard!

    • Amanda

      Hey Krista! If you see me (I always line up in the Waaaaasaayyyyyy back of the line), you should say hello! I am very short and I’ll have a camera in my hand to capture my slow going run!
      Thanks for the kind words as well….I am just in a funk, I hope it will pass soon.

  • http://runningonwords.wordpress.com Sarah S

    Is your psychiatrist aware that you are feeling THAT bad? It blows my mind that they wouldn’t fit you in if your emotional state is deteriorating so rapidly. I hope you feel better!

    • Amanda

      I told them that I thought I needed to see someone right away, but they are busy….weird, right?

  • bethany

    It will pass I promise and you are surrounded by people that LOVE you! And we are here for you whenever you need us!

    • Amanda

      Oh Bethany……we need to have lunch or something soon. Very soon.

  • Caitlin

    Hey! Do not know you, only know your blog which i stumbled up0n months ago.

    I really enjoy getting your blog. I REALLY appreciate your words of motivation.

    • Amanda

      Thanks Caitlin, I really appreciate that!!

  • Jeni

    It’s as if you’ve been stumbling around in my crazy, all over the place but not such great places, mind. Good to know I could possibly bump into someone here. And you’re right. This too shall pass. Glad you found the words/energy to write this post bc I doubt I could have. Take care of you. A better space is headed in both our directions.

    • Amanda

      I truly hope we are headed for better space…thanks for the kind words.

  • http://www.runningfromlaw.blogspot.com Pamela B

    Amanda, hold on, know that there are people all around you who want to help, who are there to listen and help hold you up until it passes. I say go for the tattoo if it would help, in fact it would elicit a bit of physical pain, which can sometimes help distract from your emotional distress. Big hugs, your readers are there for you! Get lots of Bo kisses – they always make me feel better!

    • Amanda

      Kisses from my Bo HAVE made me feel better, he always makes me smile, no matter what.
      I like where your head is at regarding the tattoo…

  • http://www.absolutelynarcissism.co Sandra

    my jaw is still om the ground that your mental health practionners makevyoy wait…the fuck?
    I know there is nothing i can say, but know you are in my prayers.

    • Amanda

      Believe me, I really agree. Plus you said fuck which made me smile.
      Thanks Sandra~

  • Alex

    Hi Amanda, I found your blog today and I really like it. I think I might have bipolar disorder too. What you described in this post is exactly how I have felt for the past 6 months, I am out now, but while going through it I could not the light at the proverbial end of the tunnel. I know you will come out of it. This last episode was so strong for me, I seriously didn’t think I could make it out. Btw, my doctor’s office did the same to me, I told them I really needed to see the doctor and they said sure, in about 3 weeks. It’s so pathetic it’s almost funny. I’ll be waiting for you to come out. :)

    • http://www.therearetwosides.com amanda @ There Are Two Sides

      Alex, thank you so much for sharing this with me. There is such a stigma that goes along with being bipolar that I feel like talking about it makes it easier for others to understand it.
      Thanks for reading!

  • Rachel

    Amanda- I was searching pictures of this too shall pass tattoos and stumbled across this. I read your blog and it alsmot made me cry because i feel the same exact way that you do. I am bi-polar and am having a very hard time with things.. It makes me sleep easier knowing that I’m not wrong, messed up or anything else like that. I’m in a severe funk right now, and it helps knowing theres other out there who do know what i’m going through..

    • http://www.therearetwosides.com amanda @ There Are Two Sides

      Rachel – I am happy that you stumbled across this post. I had a hard time finding anyone with the same issues as me to relate to so I thought that I would just put it all out there and see what happened. I am happy knowing that I can help even 1 person feel more normal with bipolar. Good luck to you!

  • http://thistooshallpass6312.blog.com j

    Heya, love your blog… I’ve actually got that tattoo on me… Hope you ended up having one done! I’m also bipolar, and have a blog that I sometimes write on… Maybe we can be blog buddies haha anyway hope youre well and you get this post