There are so many things running around in my head but I am having trouble putting any of them in print. I am having a really great bipolar episode and I am struggling to pull myself out of it. I have called my psychiatrist and my psychologist to try and get in as soon as possible for some help, but the earliest I can get in is 3 weeks away.
Who knows what kind of damage I can do to myself and to the people who love me in 3 short weeks. I am having enough trouble living minute to minute these days, thinking about the weeks stresses me out and makes me want to lay down for a nap and never wake up. Honestly. I have wished that for myself and for my family because it would make everyone around me so much happier. I feel like Godzilla running around the city destroying buildings…only the buildings are full of trust and secrets and things that people hold dear to them. And I run around and hurt them all.
All I feel like doing is sleeping the days away so I don’t have to feel anything. Which hasn’t been entirely hard lately because I just feel mentally numb in a few ways. I get happy but never HAPPY! I can always get sad, that has never been a problem, but I can’t pull myself out this time. I feel like I am experiencing physical pain and discomfort with this sadness. Perhaps my arm has been sliced open or I have a large head wound that continues to bleed and no one around notices that the blood is everywhere. It feels like my emotions are seeping out of me like that blood. I am unable to feel anymore. I am unable to keep in touch with reality.
Every time I spiral downwards like this I always get the same thought…tattoo. And it is always the same tattoo that I think of when I am down. It would be something to remind me that there are happier days ahead, the sun will rise again, I will be happy again.