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This Too Shall Pass

There are so many things running around in my head but I am having trouble putting any of them in print. I am having a really great bipolar episode and I am struggling to pull myself out of it.  I have called my psychiatrist and my psychologist to try and get in as soon as possible for some help, but the earliest I can get in is 3 weeks away.

Who knows what kind of damage I can do to myself and to the people who love me in 3 short weeks. I am having enough trouble living minute to minute these days, thinking about the weeks stresses me out and makes me want to lay down for a nap and never wake up. Honestly.  I have wished that for myself and for my family because it would make everyone around me so much happier. I feel like Godzilla running around the city destroying buildings…only the buildings are full of trust and secrets and things that people hold dear to them.  And I run around and hurt them all.

All I feel like doing is sleeping the days away so I don’t have to feel anything.  Which hasn’t been entirely hard lately because I just feel mentally numb in a few ways.  I get happy but never HAPPY!  I can always get sad, that has never been a problem, but I can’t pull myself out this time.  I feel like I am experiencing physical pain and discomfort with this sadness. Perhaps my arm has been sliced open or I have a large head wound that continues to bleed and no one around notices that the blood is everywhere.  It feels like my emotions are seeping out of me like that blood.  I am unable to feel anymore.  I am unable to keep in touch with reality.

Every time I spiral downwards like this I always get the same thought…tattoo.  And it is always the same tattoo that I think of when I am down.  It would be something to remind me that there are happier days ahead, the sun will rise again, I will be happy again.

And I will be happy again.  I will own my emotions.

Someday.

Comments

  1. Hi, Amanda! I found your blog last night and I dig it. I hope that you can be “strong” and get yourself out of those feelings. Your words kinda touch me as I lost a cousin to bi-polar and depression almost two months ago. My best wishes for you are that you have great support from everyone close to you.

    I see that you’re running the Ohio-Michigan 8K tonight; I’ll also be running it! Run hard!

    • Hey Krista! If you see me (I always line up in the Waaaaasaayyyyyy back of the line), you should say hello! I am very short and I’ll have a camera in my hand to capture my slow going run!
      Thanks for the kind words as well….I am just in a funk, I hope it will pass soon.

  2. Is your psychiatrist aware that you are feeling THAT bad? It blows my mind that they wouldn’t fit you in if your emotional state is deteriorating so rapidly. I hope you feel better!

  3. bethany says:

    It will pass I promise and you are surrounded by people that LOVE you! And we are here for you whenever you need us!

  4. Hey! Do not know you, only know your blog which i stumbled up0n months ago.

    I really enjoy getting your blog. I REALLY appreciate your words of motivation.

  5. It’s as if you’ve been stumbling around in my crazy, all over the place but not such great places, mind. Good to know I could possibly bump into someone here. And you’re right. This too shall pass. Glad you found the words/energy to write this post bc I doubt I could have. Take care of you. A better space is headed in both our directions.

  6. Amanda, hold on, know that there are people all around you who want to help, who are there to listen and help hold you up until it passes. I say go for the tattoo if it would help, in fact it would elicit a bit of physical pain, which can sometimes help distract from your emotional distress. Big hugs, your readers are there for you! Get lots of Bo kisses – they always make me feel better!

    • Kisses from my Bo HAVE made me feel better, he always makes me smile, no matter what.
      I like where your head is at regarding the tattoo…

  7. my jaw is still om the ground that your mental health practionners makevyoy wait…the fuck?
    I know there is nothing i can say, but know you are in my prayers.

  8. Hi Amanda, I found your blog today and I really like it. I think I might have bipolar disorder too. What you described in this post is exactly how I have felt for the past 6 months, I am out now, but while going through it I could not the light at the proverbial end of the tunnel. I know you will come out of it. This last episode was so strong for me, I seriously didn’t think I could make it out. Btw, my doctor’s office did the same to me, I told them I really needed to see the doctor and they said sure, in about 3 weeks. It’s so pathetic it’s almost funny. I’ll be waiting for you to come out. :)

  9. Amanda- I was searching pictures of this too shall pass tattoos and stumbled across this. I read your blog and it alsmot made me cry because i feel the same exact way that you do. I am bi-polar and am having a very hard time with things.. It makes me sleep easier knowing that I’m not wrong, messed up or anything else like that. I’m in a severe funk right now, and it helps knowing theres other out there who do know what i’m going through..

    • Rachel – I am happy that you stumbled across this post. I had a hard time finding anyone with the same issues as me to relate to so I thought that I would just put it all out there and see what happened. I am happy knowing that I can help even 1 person feel more normal with bipolar. Good luck to you!

  10. Heya, love your blog… I’ve actually got that tattoo on me… Hope you ended up having one done! I’m also bipolar, and have a blog that I sometimes write on… Maybe we can be blog buddies haha anyway hope youre well and you get this post

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