The weekend couldn’t get here quick enough this week. I didn’t have a bad week or anything, just a mentally taxing one. Life in general is going very well, work is going well, my brain just didn’t get the memo. I had my first medicated manic episode on Monday and Tuesday. I have never been aware of my manic episodes before and pretending that I felt normal enough to carry on my daily tasks was mentally and physically exhausting.
The days started out the same as any others. I said goodbye to my Jeffykins and Bo and went to work. After I got to work though I felt like my skin was crawling off of me and that my muscles wanted me to run a marathon, my thoughts were quick, unfiltered and exhausting. It took everything that I have to not give in and tear through every project I have going on at work and finishing it in my manic state. I knew the work would not be done up to my standards and may not be legible to others in the way that I was thinking. So I chose easy, busy-work type tasks to complete. I thought every word through before I spoke it and had to focus on not speed walking and speed talking my way through the day. I was physically shaking. I learned that I can’t hold a drink or a pen in front of anyone when I am manic, the shaking is highly noticeable.
I knew what I was going through right away though. I did the adult thing and called my doctor right away and told him what was happening. After some phone tag we went through my options and found one that suited me best. Luckily, my episode only lasted 2 days and didn’t continue into the week. I was so frustrated with myself because I had zero control over anything I was thinking, how I was acting or when it would end. That was the worst of it, I didn’t know when it would end. I didn’t know if it would be a day or a week.
I quickly went through my week at work and wondered if I would get through this meeting or that project in the state I was in. My saving grace? My husband. Jeff was the perfect husband of a bipolar in a manic state of mind. He talked to me, not at me. He was concerned and involved. He was thoughtful and didn’t stress me further. I know that if I have to go through these episodes in the future, I can do so with my Jeff at my side, holding my hand through it. I’m not saying that mania is easy in any way, but with someone who understands what you are going through (to the best of their abilities) it takes the load off in a big way.
Living with bipolar II has thrown me a few curve balls but I think I am finally starting to learn how to deal with my own mental illness.