I have been going back and forth on whether I want to want to run my second marathon in April. I am a good number of weeks into my marathon training but I have still not signed up for the race. I guess I am leaving myself an out…or finding a way to keep myself motivated to push forward. In the past 6 months I have also been going back and forth on one of my bipolar II medications. There are some good points to the drug and then there are the downsides to it. One of the downsides is that I am without personality, without any interests. The things that have once interested me are now things that I would easily give up to stare at the wall.
I took a few months off of writing and posting updates simply because I had lost the passion I once felt for writing. I took a few months off of running because I didn’t see the point of lacing up my shoes and getting out the door. I am not happy. I am not sad. I am just awake and going through the motions. Jeff notices it. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed it, but I fear that it will take over and then I’ll lose interest in everything that I care about.
That is why I am fighting so hard to try and keep up appearances with writing and running. I am going to try to fake it until I make it and if I don’t make it then I’ll need to find a new medicine that doesn’t suck my soul out of my body.
I don’t want to give up writing, it provides me with an amazing outlet for my feelings, ideas and horrid stories about my life. I don’t want to give up running because it helps keep my knee strong, it keeps me fit and it helps to clear my head. I don’t have the want or the need to lace up my shoes and I need to start fighting harder and harder so that I can retain the things that I know that I love and have the hard time loving right now.
I need to fight for myself. I need to fight for my interests. I need to fight to try and stay as normal as possible as I wader the paths of bipolar II. One thing is for certain. I am learning so much about myself in this process.